Dearest crybaby brand… Let’s dance!

Turn that frown upside down and pour some sugar on me!

I have been a fly in surf now snow’s soup for the better part of fifteen years. I laugh and kick and poke and cajole and bop and twirl and laugh again. Oh it’s all part of my dance, baby, and I have the most anti-depressive fun ever but it’s a dance that enrages, every once in a while, and particularly enrages the brands.

Their feets just sometimes get in my way. Their Volcom Creedlers. And I stomp and laugh and grind and bounce and laugh again but the owners of the Volcom Creedlers are not amused. They are not having fun.

What do you think they do though? Do you think they shout at me? Do you think they scream, “Nobody is enjoying themselves except YOU, asshole!” Do you think they holler, “Get off the floor, prick!”


They don’t.

And here’s the craziest thing. I have never once in all my better part of fifteen years been called by a brand for laughing and poking and kicking. Not once. I sometimes hear through friends of friends of friends that such and such a brand is apoplectic or upset or hurt but nobody from the brand ever calls me.


And the flailing brands, the Volcoms, wonder why their sales are down through the floor and the dream is slipping from their grasp. We used to be outsiders all of us. We used to really and truly be against the establishment. We used to know, deep in our hearts, that what we did was not serious and that is exactly why we did it. We used to laugh and not be afraid to laugh even when other’s poked fun because we were all in on the same joke.

We used to step lightly.

Though no longer. Now dark and serious clouds fill the horizon. A Heavy and depressed march. Not reaching sales goals. Not matching market expectations. Stock prices slip, slip, slipping.

I will say, though, the brands lost their senses of humor long before they lost their sales.

So here we stand. Impotent rage boiling but never given release. A private gnashing of teeth. A public miscalculated failing.

But Mr. Brand Manager who refuses to call me, would you would permit me one small bit of analysis? The posted fun-making stories about you soar. Their traffic goes through the roof and do you want to know why? Because when you forgot who you were and chased a market that doesn’t exist your core consumer was left heartbroken and alone. So now he cheers for your demise. Now she mocks your failure. Now he shares stories stomping your Creedlers.

But it’s not too late! The heartbroken are only ever waiting for love to come calling again. For love to present a hand and loosen its hips.

The music is still playing, dear Volcom! Call me and let’s tango!

It’s anti-depressive!

History: Come shred the Winterstick™!

Do you like going really, really, ridiculously fast?

Surfers are bastards (as established here just days ago). Arrogant. Unrepentant. Unaware. Surfers think they can nose into other subcultural pursuits just because.

But look at this Winterstick™ right here! It was co-invented by a surfer and don’t you kind of want to try it? Doesn’t it look fun?

Matt Warshaw, famous surf historian, was poking around this archives today and stumbled upon the Winterstick™ which was featured in a 1977 issue of Surfer magazine with the caption:

People who have backgrounds in surfing will discover that they know how to snow surf. Small weight shifts elicit much response. Using the flex and torque of the board such as cranking and extending results in positive fluid carves.

The company is still around today and describes its history thusly:

The Winterstick story began in the late ’60s when Winterstick founder Dimitrije Milovich met up with New Jersey surfboard shaper, Wayne Stoveken. Stoveken, whom Milovich believed to be the first snowboarder, had started making snow-surfboard designs, and he showed Milovich a few construction ideas.

Inspired by Stoveken’s designs and also by the now-famous surf film Five Summer Stories, Milovich started making his own snowboards. In 1972, Milovich dropped out of college and moved to Utah to work full time on developing his new designs in the Wasatch backcountry. Later that year, he patented the first modern snowboard, the Swallowtail.

I poked around the website and discovered they have a Tom Burt model. I’ve had the honor of snowboarding with Tom Burt a few times and by “with” I mean “one mile behind.”

Tom Burt is the fastest snowboarder I’ve ever even seen! You can buy his here or a version of the original swallowtail here.

And if you ever find yourself snowboarding “with” Tom Burt try to remember what he’s wearing so you can find him in the lodge or parking lot whenever the day is over.

Bode Merrill serves facial explosion!

A part so unrestrained you can't help but groan!

What a week! That ridiculous @frankbourg part, the Too Hard edit, the Union movie—Gigi! Kazu! Stevens! And now… Bode dumps out Reckless Abandon. We weren’t ready!

Bode Fucking Merrill. Part animal, part machine.

This part will make you shart! Rewind. Rewatch. Groan at the screen. Possibly re-shart.

9 minutes of unrestrained facial sodomy.

What he accomplished on his trick stick in one winter is nothing short of a miracle.

Reckless Abandon Bode Merrill FULL PART from Jon Ray on Vimeo.

Iouri in Laax and Moncler.

Fashion: Swag hits the Slopes!

Iouri Podladtchikov and Moncler team up to make magic!

Have you ever seen a collaboration that really got you hyped? Well one just came out that I think is really dope. Now it might seem strange, but hear me out before you tell me to fuck off…

The collab I’m talking about is Iouri Podladtchikov and Moncler. You know iPod, he’s the pretentious Swiss Russian bro who won the Olympics in the worlds shittiest halfpipe. Stole the thunder right out of Shaun White, and instantly made Sage Kotsenburg the most famous Olympic snowboarder of the Sochi Games.

Well lately I’ve been starting to really back iPod.

The dude has serious class and doesn’t hide about what he’s about. Take in point how he compares his snowboarding to ballet. Ballet is fucking bad ass, and it’s hard, and mad graceful and none of you yankee fucks have that type of class and grace to put on the tutu.

He also dresses impeccably well, and hangs with seriously hot girls. So that’s pretty dope

Moncler on the other hand is just dope. If you don’t know what it is that’s the point. It’s gear that I wish I could afford. This collab is making no excuses, you can’t afford it, and it’s not for you.

No bullshit. It’s just not for you.

Volcom's Georgia May seen shredding.

Just in: Volcom signs major superstar!

The Establishment stays True to This!

Volcom, as you read right here just days ago, has quietly spent the last two months gutting its snow program. Decapitating all but a very few riders and most of the long time management team. Littering the earth with headless bodies. Cutting costs, theoretically. Improving the bottom line, maybe.

Oh sure the names of the dearly departed (Dan Brisse, Gabe Ferguson, Christy Prior, Chandler Hunt and Brock Crouch) may not well-known but that’s not the point. That’s not the fucking point!

The point, I think, is that the brands are built on the backs of those who actually do the thing. Those who live and die seasonal deaths. Kicking back down through the ranks was a way to honor that. And paying people to ride, especially no name kids, represented the essence of a derelict dream. Or it did to me.

Like a populist on his soapbox I railed against the Stone for this grave injustice. This cowardly hit. This destruction of, dare I utter the word, soul!

But, today, I have learned I was wrong!

It has been revealed that Volcom was simply saving pennies to sign a major superstar. A woman who represents what we love to an absolute T. A shred of the highest order.

Ladies and gentleman, may I present…

Georgia May Jagger!

The daughter of The Rolling Stones’ frontman Mick Jagger and his ex-wife supermodel Jerry Hall is herself a supermodel and now the face of Volcom. Let’s read from Vogue!

Georgia May Jagger might be the quintessential British cool girl, but her style isn’t solely restricted to modish dresses and Chelsea boots. As a newly appointed ambassador for Volcom, the model has found herself incorporating ski, skate, and surf apparel into her everyday wardrobe.

Hell yes! ski apparel in her everyday wardrobe! Everyday! And I do apologize Volcom for I was very far out of line. Georgia May Jagger, from an iconic and powerful family, represents our passion, our esprit de corps. She is a youth against establishment.

She is true to this.