...to invite to Thanksgiving dinner!
Thanksgiving is a time for family to gather and give thanks. Thanks to the pilgrims who ran aground back east with offerings of small pox and enslavement to the indigenous peoples of North America.
Or, as it is celebrated in my house, drinking as much as possible to forget you are related to these people you are surrounded by on the last Thursday of November.
The only thing that could make it worse is inviting any of these 5 people over for some dead bird and stuffing.
1. Nate Bozung- “Mommy, why does the man’s face look like a truckstop bathroom wall?” It’s true, Boznuts’ face does look like a 3rd graders sketch book, but…aw shit, Nate is about as sweet as a puppy dog. That is unless he has recently broken up with a girlfriend which would result in a lot of swearing and probably his genitalia in the gravy.
2. Annie Boulanger- The only thing worse than a Donald Trump presidency is someone who wants to see the Turkeys birth certificate. If you are going to do turkey day with someone, try to focus on where the dead bird is going not where it came from. Was is free range, was it grass fed, did it have friends? Who cares, it’s going to be turned into poop in about 8 hours !
3. Halldor Helgason- When inviting a person to Thanksgiving it’s best to find someone who actually eats what most humans consider to be food. Halldor pretty much just eats high fructose corn syrup…and vodka. That plus nobody wants Icelandic face pubes in the mashed potatoes.
4. Todd Richards- Fuck that dude, could you be more irreverent ? What are you, like 87 now? He would be lucky if he lived through the saying of grace.
5. Bode Merrill- Hey caveman save some for the rest of us! When you have the physique of a linebacker you obviously consume more than the average sized person. When you are a godammned snowboarding machine of doom, you probably will eat the plates and the tablecloth as well. Look asshole, I wanted to have some of Grandma’s pie too, you damned food vacuum!